The dynamics of relationships are among the most complex topics to discuss. No one would claim that they have already mastered the vague concept of maintaining good relationships, let alone creating ones that are satisfying, meaningful, and authentic.

In fact, many people desire to have such kinds of relationships, as evidenced by the numerous self-help books that tackle the topic, whether it’s about familial, romantic, or friendship relationships. There’s the most famous “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,” which delves into the differences between male and female communication styles. Then there’s “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts,” which suggests that every individual has unique needs that, if met, can open pathways to effective and loving relationships. There are many more, indicating that most of us struggle with our relationships, and that there is truly a problem.

A relationship is technically determined by the level of affinity between people or by being related by blood or marriage. But let’s face it, not all whom you are affiliated with are people you have a close relationship with. Worse, blood ties do not guarantee a relationship at all. Here, I would like to define a relationship as the state of connectedness between people, especially emotional and spiritual; it’s the way two or more people behave towards each other or affect one another.

We have taken for granted our relationships to chase things we do not have, not knowing that all along we have already been blessed with the very thing that can make us happy.

In a study done by Harvard experts to answer the question, “What is the Key to a Good and Happy Life,” the answer isn’t as complex as they thought it would be. The key to a good and happy life is simply GOOD RELATIONSHIPS. The study lasted for more than 75 years. They followed male children from different walks of life, observing them from when they were six years old until they were seventy to eighty. It was found that the key to a good and satisfying life is not wealth, fame, or money. Among the 724 men they studied (which, due to some deaths, reduced to 69), the people who fared the best are those who leaned into relationships with community, family, and loved ones.

This study has just unearthed a treasure that we keep on digging elsewhere. We find happiness in tangible things, careers, houses, education, and nice cars, only to find out that it is in the most unseen things that happiness can be found. We have taken for granted our relationships to chase things we do not have, not knowing that all along we have already been blessed with the very thing that can make us happy.

This is the reality I followed before the lockdown started. I literally lived on campus, spending more than 12 hours a day surrounded by papers, projects, and the next big thing. When I came home, everyone was already asleep. I woke up at 4 am to be on campus again by 7:30 in the morning.

I also barely talked to my parents and siblings. Scheduled dates with my friends were always canceled, and I was not intentional about calling, messaging, or spending time with them; I always set aside time for myself instead. I made my alone time an excuse, and while this may be valid (after all, they would understand since most of my friends are introverted), I know it has just become another way of avoiding them and, to put it bluntly, another way of not wanting to put effort into the relationships I have.

In my introspection, it’s not difficult to pinpoint the reasons I have behaved this way. There is an elephant in the room of my relationships, and I kept looking away, pretending that it is not there at all. Here are reasons personally true for me:

AFRAID OF BEING VULNERABLE.

If having a satisfying relationship means mustering the courage to be imperfect, then that has to be it. This makes us kinder to ourselves and, importantly, kinder to the people around us. This is for me the culprit for shallow and surface-level relationships. Simply put, being vulnerable in relationships may translate to saying I love you or I miss you first, loving without guarantee, giving without expecting something in return, being willing to invest in a relationship with the right people that may or may not work out, sharing your hurts and needs with your loved ones. It is simply being comfortable with the fact that you are a flawed human being with fears and insecurities, in need of love and belongingness.

Being afraid to be vulnerable is a dangerous and vicious cycle of self-preservation. We numb our need to express ourselves and what we truly feel by pretending, hiding, being silent, and walking away. In this cycle, sometimes we think that by numbing, we are protecting ourselves from rejection, being seen as weak, and being turned down, but little do we know, we are hurting ourselves more by depriving ourselves of the joy, peace, and connection that come from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.

Brene Brown, who studied vulnerability for about four years, says, “In order for real connection to happen, we have to be really seen.” And I guess, that’s the cry of every heart, to be fully known yet fully loved. If having a satisfying relationship means mustering courage to be imperfect, then that has to be it. These things make us kinder to ourselves and, importantly, kinder to the people around us.

PRIDE

Pride is that “high inordinate opinion of one’s dignity, importance, merit, or superiority.” While there are many forms of pride, the pride that kills relationships is that which whispers to you that you are better, therefore you deserve better, you are more important, he or she has to say sorry first. Other times, pride can also hide in the cloak of being independent, self-sufficient, not asking for help, trying to be strong on your own because “you have a reputation to uphold,” or an “image to maintain.” Pride is also that creeping annoyance whenever people do not live up to your expectations. It gets to you subtly but surely until you wake up one day holding a jar of frustration because you feel that people around you do not live the way how you want them to.

While eliminating pride is deep work, I guess the good place to start is by recognizing it, owning it, and responding to it by opening up to people, and asking for their help and accountability (remember being vulnerable is okay!)

MISPLACED VALUES

Values are one’s judgment of what’s important in life. We invest our time and energy in things that we think are important. We would give our all for a job, a cause, a belief because we believe they are essential and significant.

Misplaced values could mean spending more time on social media, mobile games, and movies than talking to your parents. It could mean accommodating a few more hours of work than showing up for your dinner plans or maybe saying yes to the next big project that may bring you more income than spending the whole weekend with your loved ones.

We found out that when the going gets tough, no tangible thing could really save us from the pit of loneliness, anxiety, and fear yet somehow when we are surrounded by our friends and families everything becomes more bearable.

This whole pandemic problem exposed our misplaced values. It has become overwhelming for us to spend the whole day with our families; we realized how little we know about them, how much we don’t know them, and how they feel more like strangers than family.

While our current situation may be an unexpected and unideal way to get in touch again, it teaches us that there is no required time, place, space, and ways to start spending time with our families and friends.

On a brighter note, suddenly, we have realized the importance of real connections. We found out that when the going gets tough, no tangible thing could really save us from the pit of loneliness, anxiety, and fear yet somehow when we are surrounded by our friends and families every difficulty becomes more bearable. At the end of the day when everything has lost its value, there is one thing that will remain truly valuable –our relationship with God and with the ones we care about.

While our current situation may be an unexpected and unideal way to get in touch again, it teaches us that there is no required time, place, space, and ways to start spending time with our families and friends. More than anything else, it teaches us to position ourselves rightly in these moments of uncertainty and to take advantage of the huge amount of time given to us so that we may have the correct mindset, a new attitude, and the right heart about our relationships.